asap-tran: really-shit: If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you. fuck
list of people who can make me laugh so hard that i can’t even breathe me
drunktrophywife: you want me to follow back? Let me go ask my mom. She said no
sluttyoliveoil: sluttyoliveoil: what does the teen boy say after murdering a man haha no homo(cide)
sixtafoua: I’m not thirsty, I’m D-hydrated
OH SHIT JELLYFISH: angelicjace: tommilsom: Two... →
angelicjace: tommilsom: Two scientists walk into a bar The first scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of H2O” The second scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of water too. Wh… why did you say H2O? Like, I know it’s the chemical formula for water and all, but it’s the end of the day and…
percypan: THIS GUY JUST ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE SAID SO I SAID 4:45
solubility: the hole in my heart can only be filled by a #2 pencil. Do not use a mechanical pencil. Do not leave any stray marks.
i love it when people compliment my hair like thank you i grew it myself
eatasammich: “you are what you eat”
bemusedlybespectacled: if you ever think mythology is boring or serious business or whatever shit just remember that cerberus, the hell-hound and guard dog of the underworld, comes from the root indo-european word ḱerberos, which evolved into the greek word kerberos, which got changed to cerberus when it went from greek to latin ḱerberos means “spotted” that’s right hades, lord of the dead,...
canadianslut: *sprays febreze on your attitude*
fasterfood: “dad i got accepted into harvard!!” “son im very disappointed in u. i did not raise u to be such a nerd”
toxic-ponies: omfg today in English class we were talking about reading books and some girl shouts ”BOOKS SUCK” and the quietest girl in my class says ”yeah almost as much as you do on the weekends” even the teacher laughed omfg
I have more conversations in my head than in real life
rneerkat: shinykonyta: rneerkat: i love being pregnant because i can eat whatever i want and people wont question me about it :) you are a 19 yr old boy youre stereotyping me
But I have seen the best of you and the worst of you, and I choose both.– Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, “An Origin Story” (via loveyourchaos)
Calls grocery store.....
Me: Do you have cotton balls?
Me: Does it tickle when you walk?
Worker: *Hangs up*
sp0radic: galehawthorne: how do you get a boyfriend when you don’t leave your room #have you seen Tangled
you don’t really understand pain until you leave the house without headphones
*puts on horror movie* fuck this im out
shavingryansprivates: extra slutty olive oil
gumiappendsweet: my favorite thing about european history is that henry viii started his own religion just so he could divorce his wife
psychoticpingouins: 48 years ago a girl said “oh fuck me” to her best friend while walking in the street, a guy who randomly passed by answered by “let me at least buy you dinner first”. I present to you my grandparents, in love since then and celebrating their 47 years of marriage today.
themagiccane: Never be ashamed of the fashion style you like Never be ashamed of the type of music you like Never be ashamed of the TV shows you watch Never be ashamed of the movies you like Never be ashamed of what you draw Never be ashamed of what books you like Never be ashamed of your ships Never be ashamed of being you
chafing-nipples: dangermat: when bananas rot they secrete stuff that makes other fruit including bananas near them rot faster that’s so fucked up that is murder suicide bananas commit murder suicide that’s pretty fucking metal
toukos: school is *looks around for teachers* gay
ixnay-on-the-oddk: lunatrip: lunatrip: sicam: sicam: what do you call a woman with an opinion wrong What do you call a guy that makes sexist jokes Single
my favourite part about the 1800’s is none of you were born yet
ineffableboyfriends: that awful feeling when you know your period will come soon but you don’t know exactly when it will strike